Tailspin – The Blog Journey Begins - Written January 27, 2025 - Posted March 2, 2025

I have always enjoyed writing, not so much the scientific writing or reference writing required in college, but creative writing and writing in order to share my personal spin on things, now that motivates me  I tried my hand at basic journalism in high school but I did not have much confidence in myself or my abilities at that point, and pretty much just took up space in the classroom.  Over the years, I have dabbled with writing poetry, songs, short stories, skits, children’s books but nothing really felt right.  Still, do I love to write.  I tried journaling, but my handwriting was so piss-poor, that even I couldn’t read it well enough afterwards to want to go back to revisit it.  Notebooks, therefore, are not really my friends beyond jotting down quick thoughts or grocery lists.  With the invention of the smartphone came the lovely app called notepad. This has become a loyal and trusted friend.  Especially after discovering that it followed me with each new phone purchase/upgrade.  Joy!  I do my best writing directly on my laptop, because then I don’t have to cut and paste it, email it to myself, save it to my computer, reformat it, etc. but the laptop is not always with me.  So, notebooks and notepads still prevail but, I digress.  The point is that I love to write and I have much that I want to share with others.  I also find writing to be cathartic for me in my personal journey of life.  For these reasons, I have decided to start a blog and see where the path leads.  If you are reading this introductory paragraph right now, I would like to take a moment to thank you for joining me in this expedition and to ask for your patience as this is all uncharted territory for me.

Backing up a bit, I started writing on a more regular basis out of necessity when my husband was diagnosed with glioblastoma in the fall of 2022.  Not long into his illness, at a friend’s urging, I began to utilize CaringBridges to help keep family and friends up to date as to his health and treatment.  This proved to be a useful tool for many reasons.  Beyond the stated objective of keeping people informed, it also revealed itself to be a valuable and therapeutic outlet for me to express my feelings and emotions.  Walking through the varied feelings and experiences that accompanied this extremely difficult journey was not always easy but writing it out provided a healthy release for me. I have not added to this page since June of 2024 but if you have any interest in reading prior posts, here is the link to do so: https://www.caringbridge.org/site/8edcba73-253d-3e36-8c10-5225245a6269?utm_source=website_share&utm_medium=share_button&utm_term=&utm_content=link_share_button&utm_campaign=private_home_page

With a heavy heart I share now that my husband of 30 plus years passed quietly at home in March of 2024 from the disease that slowly but surely ravaged his brain and subsequently his body.  This left us all heartbroken, hollow.  I found that I still had much that I wanted to share but it did not seem right to do so on the CaringBridge Page at this point.  Some of my recent writings remain half finished, some I completed and shared with friends as “sloppy copies” and still others simply stayed ideas or jotted notes in a notebook or in the notepad app.  The strong desire to share my feelings continued but how, where, with who, how do you start? … So many questions moving simultaneously along with my inherent fears of failure left me somewhat paralyzed as I easily gave way to distractions and avoidance.

After much internal debate, discussion with friends and a bit of research and lots of prayer, I decided to start a Blog.  I felt 100% confidence that this is what I was supposed to be doing, and that God would be with me throughout the process.  All I needed to do was get started.  Therein lies the bottleneck.  Even though I felt certain that this was my calling, and that God would provide a way, I still found myself hesitant to take the necessary steps to put the Blog into place.  A few things stand out to me as the reasons for my reluctance, a big one is fear of negative criticism and rejection.  I know!  I know!  I can hear what you are thinking. But I can’t help it, I’m a people pleaser from way back!  I am also a smidge intimidated by the amount of work involved with setting it up, getting it started and maintained.  Stall, Stall, Stall!!  Yup!  That’s what I was doing!  Plus, I convinced myself that I was so busy with this, that and the other that I just couldn’t slow down enough to invest the needed time to get it off the ground.  WHOOP!! WHOOP!!  WHOOP!! (This is my BS alarm!) I call BS!!  Of course I had the time!  I am as guilty as anyone of being a poor time manager, of doom scrolling on my phone or searching for the next dopamine fix that the internet might provide, rather than doing what I should be doing.  Not to brag here, but stalling is one of my superpowers!  My college apartment never sparkled brighter than when I had a big project due or a test the next day!  Just ask my former roommate, she can attest to that fact! 

Fast forward to the title of this writing, Tailspin.  I have a history of low tolerance to anything that “may cause drowsiness,” meaning it knocks me flat!  Knowing this, I typically take half or even quarter doses of medications that might cause fatigue.  Such was the case a few nights ago when I was battling illness with all of the traditional cold symptoms represented.  I seriously needed some R&R, and I knew that was going to be extra challenging as it is hockey season, and the CAPS were playing.  In my house that equates to lots of cheering and yelling and there’s no getting around it.  Knowing this I took a half dose of nighttime medication in hopes of getting some much-needed rest and I crawled into bed early.  At some point in the night, I got up to go to the bathroom, the door being about 6 feet from my bed.  By the time I reached the other side of the bathroom door I remember thinking to myself, “Oh, I feel a little dizzy” as I held onto the door for support. I closed my eyes to slow the spinning and things around me faded to black and that’s all I remember until the annoying questions came rolling in one right after another. It was like some crazy game of rapid fire 20 questions only they weren’t giving me time to answer! 

Seriously annoying questions were being pelted in my direction!  Things like: What are you doing on the floor? Are you okay?  Should we call 911?  What’s your name? What happened? Can you get up? … It went on and on!  Jeepers Creepers!!  How am I supposed to know??  I can’t even see or say with certainty what’s going on much less play this juiced up game of 20 questions.  I just wanted to sleep.  Everything around me was still completely black. It took an unclear amount of time for my vision to return.  As I prepared to answer, I mustered all of the calm, cool composure possible for someone lying flat on their back, on the bathroom floor, in the dark (never made it to the light switch), sometime in the night, no idea how they got there, with their eyes open but zero focus or vision. 

Allow, if you will, a brief tangent as I compare this moment to someone being pulled over by a police officer.  Even if you are doing nothing wrong, that immediate fear and sense and doom grips your heart as you automatically overcompensate when you respond to the officer, in order to present as calm, cool and collected.  The same was true in this case for, after careful consideration, my obvious response to, “What are you doing on the floor?”  was, “Resting.”  What?!?!  It made perfect sense at the time as I was laying there in complete darkness but in truth, I had no idea why I was on the floor or why I couldn’t see.  Zip!

The long and short of it is that the nighttime cold medication, in combination with my blood pressure that was unknowingly low at the time, caused the unexpected “sit down.”  I guess it was more of a fall down.  It reminded me of the Nestea Plunge commercials from my childhood.  I must have fallen straight back because I wound up with a broken tailbone accompanied by a sore back and head.  I’m thankful that’s all it was because it could have been much worse had I fallen a few degrees this way or that and hit my head on the toilet or the corner of the tub.  Thankfully my family was just downstairs in the kitchen and heard the thud of my body hitting the floor and they came right up.  The recovery has been slow and steady, there’s really nothing to be done for it but to take time to let it heal.  This forced my hand in that I really had no choice but to slow down a bit.  I am guilty of taking everyday things for granted, like walking, sitting, exercising, etc. You don’t think about it until your norm is suddenly challenged or inconvenienced in some way.  Eye opening.  It was a perfect reminder for me to thank God daily for all things, great and small, because things can change on a dime and but by the Grace of God go I.

Along with perspective, this “forced” sit down gave me some time to address my priorities and plans moving forward.  Laying the first stones of my Blog rolled to the top of the list and here I sit, in front of my laptop, trying to string words together into some meaningful thread.  I feel like I am missing the mark quite honestly, but I cannot let that be my excuse to continue stalling.  I am now officially off and running.  One funny little side note before I close; I have often been referred to as a pain in the “arse” - so it seems fitting that I now get to enjoy having one full time!  Haha!  Happy healing to all!  This is my injury, but we’ve all got something that slows us down one way or another (physical, mental or otherwise) and interferes with things we want to do.  As much as possible, try flipping the script to a positive like, in this case, using the down time to address things I’ve been wanting to complete.  My hidden blessing?  Time opened up for me to dip my big toe in the water.  Let’s hope the water is warm!  Thanks for reading!