New Terrain, Like the Grand Canyon - Written May 28, 2024 - Posted March 12, 2025

New Terrain, Like the Grand Canyon

Written By Wanda Rodriguez

Written May 28, 2024 - Published March 12, 2025

*** Quick note: For a time reference, this reflection was written in May of 2024. ***

It has been 6 weeks since Dave's celebration of life.   Eight weeks since his passing.  In that time, not a day has gone by that his memory hasn't brought me joy, and also sorrow.  I am so thankful for the journey we made together.  The laughs we shared, the experiences, the memories, the tears, the hugs, and the random moments of dancing whenever the moment struck, etc. Toward the end of our journey together we spoke often about the things we still wanted to see and do together.  Many were just thoughts and words because the window for those adventures had either passed or never really made themselves available, for various reasons.  One that always made the top of the wish list for us was a road trip through the Southwest states, including, but not limited to, the Grand Canyon (GC) and the Hoover Dam. 

Recently that journey came into focus and became a reality for two of our children and myself.  We are nearing the end of that journey as I write this entry.  They have gone on to explore a cave created long ago by a river of lava, in the Coconino National Forest, near Flagstaff, AZ.  Having experienced several caves in the past, I opted to stay back to do some reflecting on the trip.  This has been quite a thought-provoking adventure.  A pilgrimage that I felt very much led to make now, not later.  The planning and its coordination was done rather quickly and we left several details open-ended so that we could have flexibility of movement in the specific areas.  There were many factors that affected our timeline like, spring semester ending for our son at JMU, both kids (young adults!) starting work in early June, and our daughter needing to return to Hawaii for work. My motivation to coordinate before everyone's schedules got too busy was huge, and I felt strongly that the timing was now, the window was now, and that I needed to strike, NOW, while the iron was hot. 

We have seen many beautiful and awe-inspiring things in our journey through the Southwest, but the top goal stop was always going to be towards the end of our travels, at the Grand Canyon.  I don't know why it was so important or why I felt so driven, other than Dave and I talking about it hundreds of times over the years.  My only real frame of reference was when the Griswold’s visited the park (National Lampoon's Family Vacation) and took it all in, bobbing up and down for about 5 seconds, before leaving the park.  That always made Dave and I laugh and naturally I did the same thing upon entering the  park and witnessing the expansive canyons in person for the first time. I imagined Dave there doing it with me and both of us laughing as if we were actually funny.  We always got each other’s humor, good or bad, funny or not, we always got each other.  That's a great quality to share with a partner. I could almost hear his hearty laughter in my head while I did it. 

Anyway, the notion of not knowing why I was so driven to visit the Grand Canyon now and to experience it firsthand, came sharply into view the night after having set foot in the park. We arrived near dusk and drove through to our lodging.  We stopped here and there along the drive with plans for a full day of hiking and exploring in the park starting bright and early the next morning.  The beauty and enormity of the canyons was no less than breathtaking.  The amazing thing we learned in driving through much of Nevada, Utah and Arizona is that they all have canyons of varying sizes but they all vary in the type of terrain they possess, or the color, the vegetation and some of the animals, the weather, the dryness or moisture in the air, how solid, fertile, rocky or sandy the ground might be.  Driving just a few miles in these beautiful states could produce a very different experience.  To me, most all felt futuristic or out of this world.  I even saw my first ever plateaus (many!) and I was happy to learn that my grade school teachers weren't just making stuff up all of those years ago.  Haha!  So much diversity, natural beauty, history...  It was truly awe inspiring!  Sure, I have seen images in movies, TV or history books but to experience it firsthand was absolutely breathtaking!  There is no question as to why these Canyons were called Grand!

This was not just a chance to see some lovely spots along God's highway of life, nor was it just about taking a trip that Dave and I always imagined but never realized, as I first thought.  It turns out that there was a greater meaning to the trip for me.  Our first night in the GC, while the kids were out taking their turn at doing laundry, I had an epiphany.  The reason for this journey and the urgency of taking it now, became clear.  This was a pilgrimage of grief and part of my (our!) healing journey (journeys).  It occurred to me during that quiet, reflective time alone, that just reading about, knowing about or seeing pictures of something as spectacular as the GC was not what I needed to experience.  What I needed to take in was the fact that the GC (and all of the Canyons we experienced for that matter) carry such deep meaning and significance for me.  For me, the idea that resonated and flooded my heart and mind was that I too, in my journey of discovery, self-reflection and grief, was like the Grand Canyon.

I have been shaped by years of experiences, good times, bad times, hard times and happy times, etc.  After losing Dave, I felt a gaping hole that I thought could never be filled. A pain and yearning that sometimes hurt more than others, but assuredly a pain that would never leave me.  How could it?  Dave was a part of me and I a part of him.  Without him I am lost, alone, and I can never be complete again.  And then, after drinking in just a tiny piece of the vast greatness that is the Canyon, I realized that I was seeing things all wrong.  The hole that losing the love of my life left behind is no more meant to be filled, than the canyons filled back in with dirt.  My terrain is forever changed for having known, loved and lost Dave, and all things along the way.  Our terrains change as we grow, through experiences, laughter, life, love and also through loss. It shapes us into who we are and who we are to become, and it is all part of a bigger plan, a greater picture as painted by God.

My loss and the subsequent grief has left cuts, grooves, high peaks and low, low valleys, but it is a part of me, and I am no less beautiful for it.  I don't mean physical beauty.  I am referring to the fact that I feel more radiant for having known and loved Dave. The holes/marks that love has left behind are not scars but shifts in the surface, much like strong currents of water causing deep grooves in the earth, whereby creating the canyons.  Both areas are different, forever changed, but no less beautiful. 

This is my epiphany from this pilgrimage.  My journey of grief, discovery, healing, growth and bonding experiences with our two youngest children.  We have shared much together during this journey and Dave was with us all along the way.  He did get to visit each of the states with us, as we scattered some of his ashes here and there along the way. 

God brought us here.  I needed to see it firsthand, to experience it, to breathe it all in, to completely appreciate the total spender and level of understanding during this new chapter and journey of grief.  Holes do not always need to be filled in, the surface is no less beautiful, the splendor of the terrain has simply changed.   Grief is like that, it’s a personal journey of growth, loss and understanding.  It’s different for everyone and leaves your surface forever changed, and that’s okay.   We are all like the Grand Canyon in this way - flawed, weathered, altered but no less beautiful.  God doesn’t make mistakes.